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homecoming
I'm so excited!! I'm going back tomorrow!! can't wait to EAT ^^
you know, I don't even know where i belong sometimes. although i do indeed feel attached to singapore (must be all that brainwashing during national education >__<) I must admit that while i was there i had a feeling, I've always had that feeling, that i didnt belong there. was it the way people treated me? or was it the way i knew that i wasn't one of them? or was it the way i felt pride everytime i heard the US anthem in the olympics and cheered like a mad idiot in front of the television when i was in Singapore. but now when i switch the channels to the olympics, i wonder where's singapore? did singapore win anything? I want to watch singapore earn its glory! who am i really? i dont know. i'm confused. i'm not indonesian. i really dont feel attached to that country at all. yet they treat me like i'm one of them. sometimes i feel awkward. sometimes i just wish that maybe i was indeed one of them. but there's a problem. I'm Not, and unfortunately i am fully aware of that.
it's just the same with language. my first language is english. but i'm not very good in it. I'm chinese but i suck in it. i'm indonesian (or at least that is what they all say) but i can hardly carry out a full conversation in bahasa indonesia.
And so i have decided i'm lost. not a very big decision. anyone can see that. i've even named mysself the green alien. and people believe me. some people say "oh chyi you're so lucky to have experienced so many different cultures. you're so lucky to have been to so many places" but i dont feel lucky. where do i belong?
I heard some say a home is the family. where you can be yourself. i have my family with me all the time. whether in China or Singapore or Indonesia or USA.. and yes i can always be myself with them. but location wise we're everywhere. and there's different places my own parents call home. my mom remains a true indonesian, my dad loves the USA, my brother.. he's almost singaporean but renounced his PR .. i'm confused really.
Now i read lydia's "come back home nina" and i wonder.. am i really going back home? when i go back to this "home" noone will know me anymore will they? I can't say that i haven't changed, and i'm quite sure they might have changed too. in this aspect i would hate to go back. i mean, what if .. we are no longer friends? sometimes i get jealous of the manzai 3. they're so close. and i wish i could remain that close with them. but no matter how hard i try to run from it, the fact hits me. we've drifted apart.
it's sad.
ARGH >__< cannot turn to the dark side !! NEVER!! peeps I'm gonna see you soon!!! MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!
God bless.
|| Pinch me. || 6:35 PM
uw
green-pillow-potato
"being flabby is so embaressing!"
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.:[Friends.]:.
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[ disclaimer ]
any resemblance to the animated pet-like-things above to any person dead or alive is purely coincidental and an act of God,
for it was not me who made them (person or pet) look that way. In any case, the author of this blog meant it as a joke and perhaps a sign of twisted affection.
The author is also a bigot who talks in third person. *shrugs*
more coming soon when more than 5 people read this blog.
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